This and That -Personal

 So this is a personal post…something I don’t do very much anymore.  The main reason is because I like my clients to have their own “day” on the blog where they’re the top post.  That’s impossible when you shoot more than once a day, and therefore my blog posts are not up the same day, and my personal posts are few and far between!  So, I’m putting off a couple of previews tonight..sorry!   The other thing you should know is that this likely won’t all come across as a super positive post, although I don’t really mean to be a whiner or debbie downer or whatever.  I just need to ‘fess up to the way that I’m feeling and totally own that here, but first the fun stuff!  A blog isn’t a blog without photos in my opinion, so here’s one of my children on Easter..yes, I just uploaded these!  All I can say is that this photo is better than last year! They’re never very good because 2 kids hyped up on candy at 8 am and trying to stand still for photos just don’t mix well.  I’ll take it though!  The one of me with them is even worse than last year if that’s at all possible.  We’re all totally out of focus, while the building is in focus!  I kept it though since it did document that I was actually there!  This Easter was different than any other year, but a good one nonetheless. Afterall, it’s not really about us anyway!

So Grant’s, (gulp) 6th birthday is in just a few weeks, so technically I should be in full party planning mode.  I’d say I’m more in “let’s cross our fingers and hope we pull this off” mode!  We did send out invitations last week though, and Grant has a special guest in mind for the party entertainment…

You guys!  Is it normal that my almost 6 year old is obsessed with all things teeny bopper???  It is killing me!  He knows waaaay too much for me!  BUT, if anyone is a close personal friend of Kesha and knows if she’ll be in the Nashville area next weekend, it’d be awesome if you could send her on over to our little shindig.  I know a certain 6 year old that just might die from excitement! :)! 

In other Grant related news, it seems that May might just be his lucky month!  He was super pumped to be student of the month!  Not sure if he’s the last kid in his class that hasn’t gotten it or what, but I’m happy he got to experience bringing the sign home :)! And, did I ever talk about Claire and ballet & tap??  I don’t think I did!  I have some more recent photos that, go figure..I haven’t uploaded, but here’s one from February!!  She is done for the semester now, and misses it in a bad way!  I can’t wait for it to start back up!

And although I know I mentioned this on facebook, I never blogged about mine and Claire’s daytrip to Huntsville to see Erin Cobb and have some photos made.  She was just as amazing as I’d imagined and I love our pictures from that day!  Claire loved her too, and talks about Mrs. Erin still!

Also in February was a trip to Lake Norris.  Our good friends recently bought a house on the lake, and while it wasn’t lake weather, we enjoyed the time away with good company…and ipads!  Grant is now officially obsessed with getting an ipad.  It’s the only thing he can think of that he wants for his birthday, which is totally not happening (this year at least!). That’s it for ther personal photos for now!  Now, I just want to say first of all how overwhelmingly thankful I am.  I could NEVER in a million years have dreamed that my business would’ve taken off like it has.  When I decided to quit my “real” job, it was really just a leap of faith.  I just knew that I could not continue doing both, so I chose the one I was passionate about.  I had no idea if I would be busy, if we’d have enough money, etc.  This is definitely not something that I would recommend, but so far, it’s worked out just fine.  In fact, I’m busier than I can even handle.  I totally stink at telling people no.  However, it’s something that I’m really having to practice doing lately.  I have the best clients in the world, and I want them all to love me as much as I love them.  So, when they ask for something, I do everything in my power to make it happen.  The only problem with that is the people that it effects…ya know those little faces I just showed you *and one bigger one that’s not so big on photos :)! 

In the past month or so, there have been multiple comments from each of my children about when will I quit taking pictures and the occasional squabble over me being gone all of the time, etc.  It stings SO SO bad each and every time.  A part of me knows that there will always be something they don’t want me to do or some place they don’t want me to go, but I think this has turned into much more than that.  Grant did a Mother’s Day poem at school about me, and he said that my favorite thing to do is “rest up for weddings.”  This is funny to me because I never rest up for weddings, but the fact that it had anything to do with photography bothers me. While I am a photographer now, and I LOVE that, I am really struggling with what else I am. 

I feel like I have totally lost me in all of this. My world now revolves around getting one more session edited, one more thing mailed/emailed, etc..it’s always one more thing, and very rarely does it have anything to do with my family.  I do not want to miss their childhood because I’m too busy capturing someone else’s.  I have to keep telling myself this over and over and over.  I want to do this, I want to meet you, I want to love you, I want to make you happy, and I want to take amazing photos of you and your family.  I’ve just got to do more for me and my family too.  The fact is that the 4-5 hours of sleep I’m getting and zero days off just isn’t cutting it.  Missing every Saturday with my kids isn’t working.  School gets out in under 2 weeks, and I’ve been waiting for 5+ years for a summer with them!  An actual summer without an 8-5 job!  I finally have my very first one, and would you know that I’ve already booked almost the entire thing?!  I’ve done a little better at scheduling some days off, etc. but to look at it now, I already feel like it’s gone.  I know that as we get closer to those days, more babies will arrive, more people will get engaged, etc, but I have to realize that never again will we have THIS summer together.  So, all of this being said, I’m going to apologize on the front end…I am going to say no sometimes and I may be a little slower at things.  I am going on 3 trips with my children.  I am taking my birthday week off, and we are going to have a summer.  I hope that I don’t lose all of my clients before school starts back, but if that were to happen, I’ll know that it was for a good reason, 2 or 3 of them actually.  It all comes down to the fact that this business is about me.  While I know that it’s also about the pictures I take, let’s face it, there are photographers everywhere these days!  It’s the connection that we have that keeps you coming back.  When I started this, I was SO SO happy, giddy to upload galleries, come to sessions, etc.  And while I’m at a session, I still am totally lost in that moment or those hours.  However, outside of that, the bitter side emerges.  I am stressed to the point that I am on the brink of tears all of the time.  Whether totally true or not, inside I feel like a bad mom, a bad wife, and a bad friend. 

I know that things cannot continue like this, hence the reason for this post.  I have no intentions of “quitting” taking pictures…much the opposite!  I hope to do this for a very long time.  It’ s a career unlike anything I could’ve ever imagined, and it’s the first thing I’ve ever been truly passionate about doing.  I also know that if I intend to continue, I better get a better grasp on my life, my work/life balance, etc.  In the end, it’s not only better for me, but also for everyone else, clients included!  So there’s no huge epiphane to end the post, just a statement that there will likely be some changes.  I’m not sure exactly what that means yet, but I’m excited to find out and get moving in the right direction.  Again, please know that if you’re a client, I appreciate you from the depths of my soul!!  Without you, I could not do what I do and I am eternally grateful!

And just so you can see how out of focus that photo was..here you go!  In an odd way, I feel like it’s fairly representative of what I’ve just said.  My “focus” has obviously been a little off lately!